Last night, people left bits of themselves on the stage.
Broken open, and into, the audience split by the fierceness, enthusiasm, commitment and bravery of the writers who walked up to the podium and did the deed, each person leaping high. It was the best kind of reading, each voice distinct and different, a great album of emotions playing. And how we were played, their words fingering us. Tears, laughter, chills, thunder. Such gratitude, a privilege to be in the room.
Today I woke to a sense of wildness. The sky so blue the word can’t hold it. The wind clear and fresh, it’s own form of light.
That this is my life.
And yes, that is Alan Cumming, along with Matt Hart, Jerriod Avant, and Stacey Seidl.
That I have this second chance, after my first chance was such an unexpected bonus, dare I risk blessing. To have brought two stellar people in the world who are kind and smart and balanced, giving, following their dreams, is to know a certain kind of grace. Or forgiveness.
I am in awe of these women, love them maybe more than is justifiable. Or wise. Shown here in Nome, AK, sweetness and strength on the edge of desolation. Pre-med and playwrighting, two kinds of stormy weather, their lives untameable. I found this picture on the interwebs today and was almost blown back in my chair, touched the screen. The way they colonize my wooly heart.
Then, my own feral moment: starting a poem.
I haven’t written anything but blog posts, essays, chopped old work, edited my thesis, etc, in weeks. And this morning, I passed through the door between civilized and savage. While jogging. Because a woman offered me wild strawberries in the cup of her hand… her dog, which I thought was a child down the stretch of path, warmed her snout on my lycra. Then a berry barely larger than a pencil eraser which I ate unwashed. After walking away I almost started to jog again, then Iooked down and realized the secret trove of sweetness continued, hidden beneath greenery, all along the edge. I picked a bruised handful and ate every one, turned on the sound app on my iphone and started recording snippets.
The first draft is momentarily titled Jogging the Rail Trail Past Parker & Stearns. The last line of the poem, begun at a table next to the river when I returned:
Four thousand miles--let this be
what running has brought me to.
1. living or growing in the natural environment; not domesticated or cultivated; independent of man.
synonyms: untamed, undomesticated, feral; fierce, ferocious, savage, untamable, uncultivated, native, indigenous primitive, uncivilized, uncultured; savage, barbarous, barbaric
(of scenery or a region) desolate-looking. rough, desolate barren, unpopulated "wild country"
2. uncontrolled or unrestrained, especially in pursuit of pleasure.
synonyms: uncontrolled, unrestrained, undisciplined, unruly, rowdy,disorderly, riotous, corybantic
not based on sound reasoning or probability. "a wild guess" madcap, ridiculous, ludicrous, foolish, rash, stupid, foolhardy, idiotic,absurd, silly, ill-considered, senseless, nonsensical, harebrained
stormy, squally, tempestuous, turbulent "the wild sea"
very enthusiastic or excited (delirious, in a frenzy, vehement, unrestrained, enamored of, enthusiastic about, keen on, smitten, crazy about, be blown away by, mad about)
3. growing or produced without cultivation or the care of humans, as plants, flowers, fruit, or honey
4. uncultivated, uninhabited, or waste: wild country.
5. uncivilized or barbarous
6. of unrestrained violence, fury, intensity, etc.; violent; furious
7. characterized by or indicating violent feelings or excitement, as actions or a person's appearance (wild eyes)
8. frantic or distracted; crazy
9. not calculated, random
10. violently or uncontrollably affected.
11. undisciplined, unruly, or lawless
12. unrestrained, untrammeled, or unbridled: wild enthusiasm.
13. disregardful of moral restraints as to pleasurable indulgence
14. unrestrained by reason or prudence:
15. amazing or incredible
16. disorderly or disheveled
17. wide of the mark
18. intensely eager or enthusiastic:
19. Cards. having its value decided by the wishes of the players.
20. Metallurgy. (of molten metal) generating large amounts of gas during cooling, so as to cause violent bubbling.
1. a natural state or uncultivated or uninhabited region.
a remote uninhabited or sparsely inhabited area. "she spent a year in the wilds of Canada"
Old English wilde "in the natural state, uncultivated, undomesticated," from Proto-Germanic *wilthijaz (cf. Old Saxon wildi, Old Norse villr, Old Frisian wilde, Dutch wild, Old High German wildi, German wild, Gothicwilþeis "wild," German Wild (n.) "game"), probably from PIE *ghwelt- (cf. Welsh gwyllt "untamed"), related to the base of Latin ferus (see fierce).